girlfriend : whatever aadrian i hate u

Sunday
~*26/10/08*~

11:59:14 girlfriend : whatever aadrian i hate u
12:03:51 me :
12:03:57 me : dat hurts

This was the first time she said she hates me. Well, she didn't actually said it...I was blogging and chatting with her on YM. Got really bored blogging and somewhat felt a bit claustrophobic at home. Wanted to go out...then a friend called, asked me out...I said yes...Told me girl I was going out, asked her to take care of herself (she has a flu & she's going on vacation next week...don't want her to have a holiday with that flu of hers, do I?) ...and she got really pissed...I said I'm sorry and I needed to go out and the next thing...read the above message.

As you can see...It took me a full 5 minutes to say something...I was...I dunno...confused? stunned? Never before did she say something like that...

Okay... 10 minutes have passed I have no idea what to say or what to write...I'm not mad or anything...I'm just feeling really depressed right now...I feel like I want to justify why I simply wanted to go out...I've got all these things in me head...just aching to pour out...It's nothing personal against my girlfriend...I swear...It's simply a cumulative of all the stress I'm facing right now and somehow I feel the need to pour it out. But then again...putting it on this post makes it look like...as if she's the cause of it (which I hereby SWEAR it is NOT...if you think otherwise, that's your problem...not mine)...or I'm making excuses or reason to defend myself.

I just feel the need to pour it out at someone...to put all my cards down...telling someone straight what's been bothering me...okay, basically I just want to whine how bloody...bored? stressful? shitty? I dunno...It's none of that, but I just don't know the right word for it. And to tell you the truth, I don't feel like writing it down because I feel like CONFIDING it to someone...as in to TALK to someone about it...no advice, no pity, no joking around, just shut up and listen to what I'm blathering about...I know that by writing it down its one way to reduce my stress levels...and probably I will write it down...but I just need to talk, you know? My social life is somewhat almost non-existent right now...

ah fuck it, I'm writing it down now! I need to release some steam!

Oh and to my girlfriend...I'm not mad at you or anything like that hun. I'm just currently stressed out and I need to let off some issues I've been having. and yes...I know it's my fault...It's been sometime since I let go me stress on me blog (yes yes, I know...I haven't been releasing me stress on me blog...I'll update it and be more quick on it) wuv u hun! *hugs & kisses*

Warning! From this point onwards I'll be rambling about me problems...It's a no-brainer...and yes I know there's probably millions out there who is in worse off shape than I am...but like I said, I'm letting off steam. Plus its my bloody blog, I can write whatever I want! So bugger off! If you're not interested, then don't read on! You have been warned!

Ok. Where should I start? So many bloody issues its all jumbled up in me head. I'll try to categorize it...(yes, I like to make it organize even when I want to blow off steam even though I know it WILL come out in a mess and won't make any sense...did I mention I was a worrier? <- see what I mean?) First order at hand...myself. Why da fuck are you not in shape??? Why am I not disciplined?? Why am I still in a mess? Why can't I keep my bloody room nice and neat? Why am I not working my ass off to be the person who I want to be? Why am I lazy? How do manage my time between my family, my girlfriend and my friends? How and when do I establish my own game company? Will it ever be achieved? Will I ever travel? Will I ever be free??? How do I get enough money to support my family? to finance my game company? to get married? Can I support my family when my mom retires in 5 or 6 more years from now? If so, do I have anymore to get married? When do I get to marry? Will I get married? Do I stay a bachelor and devote myself to me mum & sis? Where do I get that kind of money? Legally? Will I ever get that kind of money? Why can't I keep my blog updated? Do I write everything? Is it safe? Is it suicidal? Why can't I socialize as much I wanted? Why can't I say what I REALLY want to say? Why can't I explain or describe? Why do I stutter when someone who speaks better than me? Why do I have such low self-esteem or whatever you call it? How do I be confident? Can I marry her? Should I marry her? Should I look for the characteristics/attitude/behaviour of an ideal wife that some of me colleagues-who-seems-to-have-married-a-couple-times mention? Should I stay with me/her parents first? Should I rent a house? Should I buy a house? Can I buy a house? Can I buy a console? Xbox360? PS3? or wait for other consoles? should I buy a PC instead? Mac? Why do wake up late even though I sleep early? Can I actually make a game? What's the first game should I create? Why is can't I find a pair of socks that matches? Why am I worrying so much??? aaaaAAaaAAaAaaahhHHhhHhhh sheeet...I'm having a headache~

*sigh* so many questions...but WHAT IS THE SOLUTION??? HOW DO I OVERCOME IT ??? WHAT IS MY PURPOSE IN LIFE??? CAN OR WILL I EVER ACHIEVE IT??? HOW DO YOU KEEP THE FIRE IN YOU GOING??? AAAAAAAARRRGGGHHHH~!!!!!

I can't stop thinking of the what's, the if's, the how's, the when's, etc....I know I need to think of solutions instead...but HOW???

some say just DO IT! but HOW??? do WHAT EXACTLY???

To my future self, you better be laughing your ass off reading this...I mean it!!! You better be thinking "haha...what a moron I was..." you better be the person who I dreamed to be...If you're not, go bang your head on the wall, get a lobotomy, and dye your hair blond, you stupid twit! WHY DA FUCK YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED???!!!!!!! IF YOU DID, WHY DID IT TAKE SO BLOODY LONG?? CAN'T YOU/ME/OR WHATEVER FUCK YOU ARE, CHANGE LIKE...NOW?!?!?!?

*sigh* I actually know/thought/ideas/whatever of how to solve SOME issues albeit somewhat~ but my body won't listen! (pfffttt...yeah right~ like its a totally seperate entity from yourself, you jackass?!)

when did it get so complicated? so overwhelming? man~ the difference/gap between the transition from one phase to the other is so~ HUGE! I mean...from kindergarten where you don't know jack shet...making friends like nobody's business, ask daddy or mommy you want this and that...

then in primary you start to get scolded for not doing your homework...getting pick on...learn about betrayals and trust...mommy or daddy can't suddenly give to your demands, a new term called 'money' is learned...

then came secondary school...things started to look complicated...can't simply be friends...can't simply play around that much...pressure of getting good results but didn't truly know or understand what the fuss is about...learned that money don't grow on trees...

then came college...different sort of teaching, different sort of workload...the sudden amount of freedom attained, unsure what to do with it...learning abit more about money...

then came the denial phase...you're on holiday...you want to have fun, don't want to work...somewhere along the line, parents starts to nag at you to go find work, you can't waste your time like this, money is getting short...finally, you have to wake up and go job hunting...

Working phase: Responsibilities being dropped on your shoulders, you think where should you spend your money, you think where to get more, marriage, workload totally different than you expected, finally understanding the word 'rountine', finding your dream job, thinking of opening up your own business, totally different style of social life, less in touch with your friends, commitments, family, ...and so much more I haven't discovered...

the other phases? I can't say...but I can guess...

Unfortunately, I'm to tired...I don't think the list of problems will ever end...for anybody, as a matter of fact...
I just need to start to think of the solutions and ACT ON IT!

shet...I've been writing this from 2:04 AM till 4:30 AM...off to bed...Although I feel abit better writing it out...but it still won't solve any of my problems.

fuck.