Writer's Block

Currently writing my other blog. The Star Wars story...haven't had any time or ideas on how to continue the story. I'm at Leo's cafe on me lappy. I noticed I won't be able to concentrate writing anything down at home...perhaps home is too comfortable for me. So that's why I decided to go out and write it somewhere. There is progress though on the story, but very little. Having a hard time how to describe and how exactly to continue the story. Having trouble to manage my time between writing the story and planning for the next gaming session.

Other than that, I'm quite satisfied how things going right now. Yesterday, I had a date with my girlfriend. From 3pm to 11pm. Haven't had a date ( a whole day date thingy) in a long time. We went to the local shopping complex, The Summit. Bought a PS2 game for me sis, met one of our friends, chat awhile, had a late lunch (or should I say a very early dinner) at KFC, went window shopping, bought a a magazine and head over to Starbucks. Why Starbucks? I just had a sudden craving for one of their frappucino, hadn't had one in awhile. Then at night we went to Darussalam and had drinks again. Talk some more. Nowadays it seems so much fun chit-chatting away...We talked about a lot of stuff...

I managed to spend my time well with my family, girlfriend and most of my friends. It's a great achievement for me and it feels mighty fine. Now I need to squeeze some other stuff into my time management. Like this star wars story and the gaming session for one...exercise...some alone time? Think I've plenty for that...perhaps a moment to take a breather...away from traffic jams, work, stress...away from civilization...Be with Mother Nature for awhile...the calm sound of the ocean beating hypnotically on the sandy beach, with the cool wind blowing gently over me...That would be grand...

The question is; alone? or with someone? or with a group of friends?

Stranger Than Fiction

Just watched the movie just now on HBO. Thought it'll be a nice title for me post. It's an interesting movie, think it's me 2nd or 3rd time watching it. Anyways, here's what happened during this past few days:

Tuesday: Me birthday. Got a few calls & sms's of birthday wish. Thanks a bunch guys. Work work work. Then at night had dinner with me girlfriend and a very nice long chat we haven't had for awhile. Afterwards, had a group of friends brought me over for a small birthday gathering. They bought mocha cheese cake, I believed. Ooh, they also bought me a gift. Weird gift (a transparent plastic kitty doll "piggy bank") ...but thoughtful nonetheless. It was a very appreciative gesture.

Wednesday: A somewhat fun time at work. I had a stupid grin on my face. Ooh, one guy told me there's another paintball...err...shop?...premise?...I still don't know what kind of "place" it's supposed to be called...but there's one in Shah Alam. Asked around where it was and decided to check the place out on the next day. When I arrived home, there was a documentary about Prophet Muhammad on History Channel and it was very enlightening. At night, I went out meeting some friends. We wanted to chat but the movie "Army of Darkness" came out and we ended up watching it. It was hilarious.

Thursday: It was Prophet Muhammad's birthday. It was a holiday for me. We (me mum & sis) went visiting one of me aunts who just given birth to a baby boy. At noon, we had lunch in one of the shops in front of our house. Then, I sent me sis to our "second" mum's place so she can hang out with her friends there and as planned I would go to Shah Alam and look for the paintball place "thingy". Found it and went back to me "second" mum's place and hang out there until 5. Received another delicious bowl of her "Laksa Sarawak"...Simply Marvelous...Had a talk with "the mother" and the rest of the family.
Friday: Plenty of people didn't go to the office today, but I did. Should've taken the day off, but didn't felt like it. At night, had to cancel meeting up with my girlfriend because me mum & sis wanted to watch a movie. At the last minute, we watched a different movie; "Spiderwick Chronicles". A good movie but unlikely to watch it again.

Just realized that almost everyday there IS something new happening... It's never dull...It only gets boring if you THINK it'll get boring.


Oh on another note: I received a rather interesting "rejection". I felt foolish and somewhat embarrassed/guilty for what I did. I didn't know WHY I did it (it was VERY lame after I reviewed it a couple of times) But interestingly enough, I only felt that way on a that single day. It reminded me of this quote I found:

"Remember, people will judge you by your actions, not your intentions. You may have a heart of gold -- but so does a hard-boiled egg."

It was my first...I believed I took it quite well. But I am somewhat saddened for the misinterpretations for the actions I just did...Or perhaps I'm thinking too much...I'll stop here...I think I'm rambling...

Interesting days...

Well, I'm currently waiting for my birthday...so I guess I'll be writing here about what happened on Saturday, Sunday and Monday.

Saturday - Went scouting for premises to play paintball for the company. None could follow, so I went off alone. Let's see, I sent me sis to her school for her military band practice around 7 in the morning. Then off I went to Bukit Jalil as my first stop. Then went to a field near Amcorp, waited there for a awhile until lunch with me mum & sis at Amcorp. Afterwards, I went to Sungai Buloh. Got lost for about an hour or so but managed to find it. Went over to Sunway Lagoon, just found out the paintball is in there. I asked some of my UM ex-students to hang out with me at night. They agreed at 8, so I hang out for awhile in Sunway Lagoon. Went to UM, picked them up and onwards to Shah Alam (they decided to go there...so I don't mind) They had their dinner, went sight-seeing...ooh! went to one of their parent's newly opened restaurant and it was nice. They was a cute kid there, about a year and half old. Very cute...Looking at the kid made me think...you know, about when AM I going to have one...it kinda shook me the whole night...hahaha...sent me friends back to UM around midnight. Had a barrel of laughs and it was fun. Then came back to USJ, didn't want to go back home so I drove around for awhile, about an hour or so, got tired...went back home and slept.

Sunday - mostly a relaxing day. In the evening, I went out for awhile to meet up with a friend and his brother. Mostly talking about game development over the years. Then for dinner went over to my "second" mom who cooked "Laksa Sarawak" especially for me. It was delicious, had 3 bowls of that stuff. We chatted awhile then headed back home to sleep.

Monday - Work as usual. Had another grand dinner, steamboat...me mum's treat as me birthday gift. It was lovely...and here I am.

Ooh...on a side note, I had a "somewhat" disturbing(not the right word for it but couldn't find anything better) thought recently...after seeing the kid on Saturday...it kept me thinking about me marriage "thingy"...The thought sometimes pops in and out of me head, but it didn't trouble me as during me "Drama Attacks". Just wondering what I should do...

Somewhat at peace...

Haven't written awhile (Right, it's only been like 2 or 3 days...hahaha). Like the title suggests, I'm somewhat at peace with who I am this past few days (again, only 2 or 3 days...).Ok, it feels like it has been like ages. I think I understand what I'm lacking and have been occupying my time to fulfill what I am lacking of. After pouring out all my problems, I feel rather relaxed lately.

Other than that, nothing interesting other than hanging out with my gf, me cuz, and some friends. Oh, been assigned to the company's outdoor activity group. We're in charge for the outdoor activities for the company for the whole year. Our first activity will be in April next month and it's going to be paintball. And I'm in charge to find out about where's a nice and affordable to play. Why I'm in charge? Because I once mentioned during my interview that I played paintball and the news spread, thinking I'm actually a pro. Sigh... I think I should shut up about what I LIKE to play (like doesn't mean you're good at it, does it?) but then again, it gives an idea for me where the best place for me and me friends to play paintball.

Girlfriend's got her convocation coming up this Sunday and I won't be able to see her. Pity, would like to see her in her robes :)

Planning to scout for paintball fields to play on Saturday, wondering should I invite some friends along but unsure. We'll see...

My work? I'm doing fine, I guess.

Ooh, today I got an e-mail from one of me ex-students. He wrote something which really makes me wonder...Why does it matter that I'm my mother's son? She's a lecturer there, will that affect my friendship with them? Once they found out, they'll ask if it's true. And when I asked why, none seem to want to answer the question. Would like to know why...

Well, that's all.

Later...

Why Do I Keep Embarrassing Myself?

I seem to have a knack for it. The more I try NOT to embarrass myself, the more worse it gets. And I hate the feeling of it afterwards, it keeps repeating over and over inside my mind. Really shitty feeling. I know you can learn from your mistakes, which I understand fully...but that doesn't stop from you feeling all...well, shitty. But the worst of all, that I really can't stand is those "looks". Those certain "looks" that looks down on you, like you're something to be avoided.

What can I do?

Tried being myself, it didn't work.

Tried to impress(I know, it's stupid to impress), I ended up embarrassing myself.

What can I bloody possibly do?

Believe me, I don't MEAN to do it on PURPOSE. But it happens, so WHY the BLOODY HELL are you looking at me like THAT for?

I just want to fit in, you bloody twit! I tried to be friendly, but none of you buggers give a damn. Fine, then I thought all of you might be busy to notice with all your bloody work, so I waited for someone...no, ANYONE to talk to me when they're free, but NO...That didn't work either! (Well, some did...and for that, I thank you)

Damn, I just realized I'm a bit off from the topic...sorry about that, needed to release some steam off from some of those buggers who gave me the "look". Bloody Bastards...

But sometimes I pity my girlfriend as well as my friends, what if I AM an embarrassment? I feel sorry for them, as if they deserve a better person than me. Damn. Like I said, shitty feeling, I hate it.

I'm tired of writing, I need someone to talk to...

Divide and Conquer...

Here's what I FIRST thought was the reasons why I'm having these "Drama Attacks" as my girlfriend aptly named it. I had a lot in my mind at the time, so it fused together to become ONE BIG problem that I couldn't pinpoint. So took the problem apart, here's the problems that I'm facing (not in any particular order):

1.Home

- Crime rates going up really high

What things are going on around my housing area are really disturbing and very worrying for me.

-Nothing to do

There's basically nothing to do at home for myself or any activities I can do with my sis & mum.

-Maintenance

Everything is falling apart in the house and it's annoying and troublesome for me and me mum.

2.Financial

-Family

How to support my mum and sis and how much?

-Loan, ASB, etc...

I'm confused what to do about savings or if I should take personal loans (from where and the works)

-Myself

How much should I budget for food, petrol, my entertainment, savings, girlfriend, etc...

and When can I afford to get married.

-Business

I'm currently doing MLM(Multi Level Marketing) and I know it works...But how much capital do I need? Where do I get more contacts? etc...

3.Marriage/Love/Attraction/Whatever...

-My Girlfriend

Is she the one? If so, how long can she wait for me?

-Attraction

I'm currently attracted to a girl. There's a certain glow to her that I feel compelled to want to know her better. Due to the "Drama Attacks", I almost mistook this attraction to know her better to something more...you know...Thank God I realized!

4.Social life

-My friends

It keeps getting harder and harder to keep in touch with any of them since I started working. Everyone's busy doing something, so we rarely meet up.

-My ex-UM students

Many of my friends do not believed me when I told them I was teaching. And I'm worried sometimes that what I teach is wrong, so I have this sense of responsibility to see how things are going for them.

Somewhat attached to them since they're a group of friends and I think I wanted to belong again into one...

Well, that's all of them.
I had experienced something like this previously which is due to stress and combination of multiple problems to make it one BIG stress for me poor head, but it was usually short-lived and mild. This time it was stronger than I've ever felt before and lasted about a week or so. Why?

I'm a worrier, I worry a lot. A HELL of alot...one of my weaknesses. Thankfully, I found out the main reason why I'm having this "Drama Attacks":

I lack human interaction. My social life was becoming almost nonexistent (well, to my point of view). Although I have friends in the company, but rarely there's any conversation at all ( except for certain things about work, but that's all). Can't blame any of my friends since everyone has their own stuff to do...It's just not possible to hang out and chat as often as we used to.

And due to lack of any social activities with my friends, I got attached to my ex-student's group. I wanted to belong into a group of friends again...thankfully there's an exam coming soon for them, I can stop intruding into their social lives. I believe I went overboard in disturbing them (Sms-ing, calling them up, commenting them on friendster, etc) so I guess I should slow down considerably. I'll stop initiating contact, when they want to contact me, I'll be there...other than that, I'll not intrude.

As for the girl I'm attracted to...I would like to know her better if given the chance, but I have to keep my distance. I'm not keeping distance for my girlfriend's sake or hers, but for my own...

The other problems are still problems, but were not the main reason why I had the "attacks". It simply amplifies it. The problems occur probably due to the fact that I'm about to start my life and just opened my eyes to the world. So, I got scarred.

How to overcome my problems:

Patience

Don't worry about those that are out of my control

Manage my time for my friends, work, family,etc

Self-control/Discipline

Gym/Exercise - to release some steam

I learned something out of all this, and it saddens me that it is part of our lives:

The older you get, the less friends you keep in contact with...

It's not that you or I don't want to, it's just is...

Yesterday & Today...

Yesterday was a full fun day for me. Work as usual during the day...and I just forgot what happened yesterday...shit...oh yeah...went to the Friendster cafe at Sunway Pyramid after wrok. A friend offered me and another friend to do some freelance job thingy, design a website or something like that. The cafe was stylish AND expensive but the internet connection and service was great though. Stayed there from 9 until midnight, just discussing what we're suppose to do and all that. Later, I hang out with my other friends until 2 in the morning, call my girl, didn't know she was awake but she was...so we talked until 6 in the morning. I hadn't had so much fun like this for months. I mean, truly spending every minute doing something, it was tiring but it was fun. Guess I appreciate my weekends a lot since I started working, not much time during the weekdays...

Today, ( I meant Saturday, just realized I'm posting it on Sunday morning) woke up, voted (first time voting, not that exciting since I'm not so interested in politics), fixed my car lights, sent my sis to her seminar/tuition "thingy", went out with my girlfriend for awhile then met my freelance colleagues to finish the "prototype" of the website. Somewhat of another full day :)

Due note that I'm quite, shall we say..."light on my fingers" as I'm typing this post since I'm very much happy :D Why you ask? Well, first of all, I managed to figure out why I'm having these "Drama Attacks". Secondly, spent my time well on Friday and Saturday( we'll see how today goes) and had a very nice long chat with my girlfriend. Oh I was still in "Drama Mode" when I talk to her on the phone that morning but we talked it out and I was very much relieved. I'll publish another post the problems I was facing and what actually caused the "Drama Attacks". This post is published simply to mention what I've been up to lately and how fun it was for me for this past 2 days.

Cheerio~!

Last night was a bore...

Last night had a BBQ dinner for the Japanese lecturers from UM who's going back to Japan. It was fun for awhile during they speeches (they made it very comical) but the food was truly disappointing...After a munch or two, I excused myself...I thought after dinner I would go and see my ex-students, but the exams are coming up and I felt I shouldn't bother them. So I left...*Sigh* Bummer...

I'm at work...and I'm feeling a bit light-headed...weird...lol

Oh on another note, I've figured out why I had the sudden "drama attack"...lack of human interaction, and add a pinch of other problems together...and voila! Stress Overload! I think I'll write down all me problems in the coming posts...Not sure when, because I know it's going to quite long. We'll see...

Toodles~

Evening with some friends

Last night, I had a blast with my KDU degree friends. We talk & talk...We even talk about politics! (I never thought I would talk about politics. Never understood it, but since election is coming up. I've got to learn). One of my friends even offered to do some free-lance work. Just like old times...Oh, tonight I'm going to have a free BBQ dinner at UM (University of Malaya)...I might meet up with me ex-students after I'm done. We'll see...

Oh, I apologize for previous post...I was caught in one of those moments of weakness...hahaha...It happens to me some times due to stress overload. May found some ways to overcome them.

Cheers

Bored out of my mind

Haha...Something's definitely wrong with me...I'm writing another post...This is going to be a "rambling" type of post...you may skip if you wish...I haven't been acting normally lately, I think it started yesterday (damn, that was yesterday? Felt like ages ago...) It started in the morning...I felt...I'm not sure how to describe it...just feeling really down...told me gf thru ym about it...at first I thought it was because I haven't eaten breakfast yet and lunch would make me fine. turned out lunch just made me feel slightly better...than got a sms about meeting up with my 2 old schoolmates...I was excited coz I haven't met them for a very long time and I wanna know what they've been up to (refer to previous post) but before I met them, on the way back home, I got that feeling again...It really seems to...I dunno...demotivated? uneasy? unwell? I think uneasy is the best word for it...but I was back to normal when I met them...went back home, another friend asked me to hang out...I did...short while...then back home...slept...today...it was back again...chatted wif me gf about it...she called it my "drama episode"...hahahah...What? I'm having my period? and my hormones off the charts? hahaahhaah...had a good laugh about it...but still...it keeps coming back...probably due to having all this stuff in my head...marriage, loan, work, friends...think they jumbled up pretty bad until I dunno wut think...I told my gf something else...but she says I'm just making excuses for my drama episodes...hahaha...she has a point...I always make excuses...I think...The best sentence for me about what is going on right now is "I'm lost and so alone". lost because of all that shit I mentioned early...(look! i'm writing weird like right now) alone is because...i dunno...just felt very lonely...i meet & talk wif my gurl, my colleagues, my friends...but still lonely...shet...now I'm being "emo"...need to sort it out...need to take a breather...but when? when i'm free, i need to do stuff, see people, obligations and all that...when? I feel like i'm in prison but wif no cage around me...free yet imprisoned...or I may just be bored out of my mind...plausible but unlikely

I'm addicted...

haha...it seems I'm addicted to blogging...well, actually I feel like I want write EVERYTHING. But I can't...haha...Reason? Simple. I still prefer to talk to someone about it. Some are too personal to write it out for everyone to see and some are personal for certain individuals. But I will continue to post about stuff...

Reminiscence of the Good Times

Yesterday was quite enjoying for me, got to meet up with 2 of my old classmates during school years... My girlfriend should've come along but since she was not well, she couldn't make it. But overall, it was fun talking and catching up with them about the old times, how's life and what's new, who's married and all that. I realised that I made a mistake previously in the past years by saying that most of them had forgotten about their friends and all that...but I realised that the older you get, the less time you can spend with your friends is due to new responsibilities and commitments that pops up into their lives. Since I've just open my eyes to working life as well as life itself, I realised there is so much out there that I need to know about, and I apologize to all of my friends to whom that I thought that you had forgotten your friends. I guess I miss the good old days...and I miss my friends...

Summary Of What Happened Last Month...

I don’t know why, but I felt obliged to write what has happened in the last month. Somewhat of an online diary...think maybe, I love writing but I don’t know what to write, so I’m writing anything here so as to improve my English and improving my “style” for writing perhaps? Oh heck...I’m not sure myself why but...I’ll just continue ok? I won’t be mentioning again what I’ve written previously (like my fight with my girlfiend) since I already wrote that…so here it is:

I’ll start with what happened yesterday, which was the 1st of March, Saturday. Last night I went for UM’s (University Malaya) “Malam Emas” at PICC (Putrajaya International Convention Centre). It was a huge place, but a bit far to reach and isolated. The place was beautiful and clean; I especially like the smoking zone because it was an outdoor room that was in the middle of the insides of the building. You can see the sky but it was dark since I went there at night... it’s like an outdoor garden surrounded by glass… very peaceful though...The hall was lovely, big and spacious…the food was okay, some of the performances were entertaining, but I was a bit bored. Probably because I’m sitting with the lecturers with me mum and sis...I wanted to sit with me ex-students but I heard that they are scattered since their sitting with their friends mostly. Got to meet a few of them though…but I felt guilty leaving me sis alone...so I didn’t, I sat and talk with me sis...but at the end of the night I met most of of my students...well, a few from most classes but most from B1...and it was fun...we took pictures (I even wore a tiara crown from one of me students and all of ‘em were taking photos...I got a bad feeling those pictures would circulating around later...but hey, I just wanted to have fun with me friends/students.

Friday last night me and me group had a short gaming session. Surprisingly fast but fun anyway. Check out my new blog, its on the link...I’m writing a story about the current game we’re playing in the new blog...

My network card went up in smoke a few days back...bummer...probably will buy one next month or so when I have the dough.

Met up with some of my ex-students a week or so before “Malam Emas”...I just got bored and wanted to meet them...I met a few, but mostly my B1 class also. They were fun to hang out with...they had a presentation coming up so I didn’t bother them that much...just chat a bit here and there... about 2 hours later, I came back home...wanted to go and see their presentation on the following week but my lunch break was a bit late so I couldn’t make it. In case you’re wondering...I was a part-time tutor for about 2 months at UM while trying to find a permanent job...Had a blast with the students and...I guess I got attached to them. :)


Had a bad cold for about a week or so...probably due to the fact I haven’t been in an air-conditioned room for months...and when I started working (still in probation actually...for about 6 months probation), I was seated directly under the “aircond”...so...that’s explain the cold...”not used to your new habitat yet” a friend said...hahaha...I guess so...

Let’s see...what else? I've got in contact with one of my classmates when I was in form 5...added her on facebook but we didn’t talk then...it was after this application, where you have to choose from a list of one word to describe any random friend, did she contact me through face book...so we chat a bit...planning to meet up with her but her grandma is sick...so probably later. She reminded me about my grandpa when he was still around the house. A quite man but fun to talk to...He’s the most quietest and nicest guy I’ve ever met...but unfortunately, I didn’t spend much time with him when he was around the house. And before you know it, he passed away...I remember that day because it was on my 18th birthday. My mum woke me up, told me grandpa passed away downstairs...went down, so him lying on the floor...what a shock...but he looked peaceful though…I’m glad…but I did regret for not spending time with him...I sometimes often ask now and then from any of my aunties or me mum how was grandpa like in the past. Miss him much...anyways, I told her the story about my grandpa (well, through sms anyway...short version of it) and tell her to take her time, we can meet anytime but spend more time with your grandma as much as possible. She thanked me...I must say that felt good :)

Well, I started the blog at the end of February...but what else?

Oh, I met with an old friend...a friend from my diploma days...he was my classmate...he’s now studying in New Zealand, but came back during the summer...He said he wanted to contact me but I changed me number a while back and couldn’t contact me...he got my number from my girlfriend. We met at the Curve, and talked awhile…about how’s he doing, have you seen any of our classmates, what have you been up to and all that. From his blog ( he's Shah...on my link...check it out) I read that he’s been doing bungee jumping, going on stage to perform and all that...and I was like “wow”...he’s doing quite a lot of interesting stuff and I envied him a bit...but at least his having a great time. I felt touched that he said he has to meet me before going off...to me, he’s a close friend...well...most friends in not all, I always consider them as close friends...but when he said that...wow...it’s just...can’t find a better word than just feeling grand :) ... when we said goodbyes, I wanted to hug him...but I didn’t...don’t know why, but I didn’t...it’s not being ashamed to hug him there in the public...but...I just didn’t...then on the way back...I felt...damn, should’ve hug the him, I’m gonna miss that bugger...while driving, I remembered all the fun stuff that me, him and our classmates and seniors did...those were the days...

Oh yeah, went out with me cousins and my girlfriend for a somewhat of an informal farewell party...she’s going back to Australia to continue her studies...she also came back a couple of months ago during her holidays...fun too...went to the Curve as well...wanted to “belanja” her (to give her a treat), but I was broke...felt really bad and guilty about it but we enjoyed ourselves. My cousins became fast friends with my girlfriend a while back, so that’s why I brought her along.

Had me convocation early of February, got to meet up with those that I haven’t stayed in contact with...currently I’m keeping touch with only 3 of my classmates albeit not as often as I would like...work and all that...

Tried to stop smoking on the 1st of February but didn’t, failed on my first day on the job...another bummer...

Chinese new year... a bit dull...but had time to spend with my 3 degree friends...managed to went “raya” to one of their houses then had to rush off do something...can’t remember what exactly...

Got my first paycheck, and gone it went...almost all of it...payed bills & all that...it was expected but I didn’t expect it would be THAT much...probably after a few more months I’ll get the hang of it...

Well...that’s all about February 2007 ...

Today was a bit weird...had a dream my girlfriend proposed to me...she gave me a silver ring with a purple diamond strip in the middle...weird huh? Then after i woke up, went for a wedding.one of the family’s friends went we went for Haj...coincidently the theme was purple...and while walking beside the road on the way to their house...a jeep passed by very fast and a pebble hit me glasses...quite hard but no damage done to me specs...but imagine if didn’t wore any...thought it was a sign or an omen...but nothing happened...yet...went home...open me laptop, open Ms Words...start writing my next post which is entitled “Summary of what happened last month” so I started off... :D (the eternal loop…lol). Planning to go to a cyber café to post this...and while I’m at it, check me mails and stuff. That’s all...

Oh shit...just remembered...I’m still drafting my introduction post...damn...I’ll get on to it as soon as possible…

Cheers!